#194 Title:

Building Independence

Special Guest: Betsy Brown Braun, best-selling author, child development and behavior specialist, parent educator, multiple birth parenting consultant and the founder of Parenting Pathways.

Description: Parent expert and author of  "You're Not the Boss of Me" is back on What Really Matters with practical advice on building independence. Betsy Brown Braun talks about raising children who are problem solvers, risk takers and leaders who feel effective in the world and know how to withstand peer pressure.

Duration: 33:58

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Show Index:
00:30 Intro: Building Independence
01:51 Foundation of All Other Traits
02:54 Self-Reliance vs Independence
05:39 Temperment vs Personality
09:48 We Leak ... Our Fears
18:25 About Betsy Brown Braun
21:04 Building Independence Early
28:33 Necessary Conflict
30:10 Closing Comments
31:35 Closing Track: Tighten Up

Special Guest:

Music Spotlight:
rss Music: The Black Keys
rss Tracks:
Tighten Up

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About Betsy Brown Braun

Betsy Brown Braun, best selling author of the award winning book Just Tell Me What to Say: Sensible Tips and Scripts for Perplexed Parents and You’re Not The Boss Of Me: Brat Proofing Your Kids, is a child development and behavior specialist, parent educator, multiple birth parenting consultant, and founder of Parenting Pathways, Inc.

With over 35 years of experience in public and private early childhood and elementary education, Betsy has directed and founded school programs, taught in both public and private schools, has been a school director, and was the founding director of Wilshire Boulevard Temple’s Early Childhood Center. She holds an MA in Human Development and teaching credentials from Pacific Oaks College.

In 2001 Betsy founded, Parenting Pathways, Inc. to provide guidance to parents seeking the skills and confidence needed to negotiate the often-challenging parenting pathway. She leads parenting groups, seminars, and offers private parent consultations throughout the nation. Betsy brings her vast knowledge, sensitivity, and special brand of humor to her parent consultations to her groups and her presentations.

Her bestseller, Just Tell Me What To Say, now in its 4th printing, presents the tried and true tools her clients use daily to handle situations that inevitably accompany raising children ages 2-6 and beyond. Her second book, You’re Not The Boss Of Me: Brat Proofing Your Kids, is the ultimate hands-on guide to cultivating character traits that are tried-and-true "bratbusters." It’s full of no-nonsense, practical "Tips and Scripts," that help you deal with challenging behaviors typical of four- to twelve-year-olds.

Her parenting expertise has been featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, U.S. News & World Report, Cookie, Family Circle, In Style, Parenting, Parents, Pregnancy and Newborn, Twins, and Woman’s Day, among other publications. She has shared her expertise on the Today Show multiple times. Other television appearances have included Good Morning America, Entertainment Tonight, KCBS, KNBC, and Fox News LA. She contributes to KNX news radio on child development, and has been a guest on countless radio programs nationwide, including NPR. She has been cited in numerous websites and parenting blogs. Betsy is a frequent speaker at educational conferences, schools, and businesses.

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Betsy's Tips for Removing Conflict

• Adult Impatience
There are times when you
need something done quickly. But you hurry the child along, even taking out of his hands whatever it is he is trying to accomplish because you can do it faster. And what message does the child get? “I might as well not do it; Mommy does it faster.” Bye-bye independence. When you are really in a hurry and are not just being impatient, you can say, “You are working so hard on that zipper. Next time you will show me how you can do it all by yourself. Today is not a day when I have time to wait for you. I’m going to help you finish. I love that you are learning to zip.”

• Adult Perfection
Adult standards for perfection may conflict with the child’s execution of a task. Children learn by doing, by making mistakes and doing lousy jobs. But your child won’t try again if he feels that he just can’t meet your expectations. Accept the job he has done, praise his great effort and do not redo or correct his job. Let it be imperfect or just lousy. It is the independent initiative that counts in this case, not the outcome.

Get more tips in the I Can’t Do It Myself: You Do It! chapter of You're Not the Boss of Me. There are also tips on "when to compromise".

About the Book

What parent hasn't thought her child was a brat at one point or another? Whether your child really is a brat, is at risk of becoming one, or is simply trying to grow up in a world filled with temptations and distractions, you'll love this book!

It's the ultimate hands-on guide to cultivating character traits that are tried-and-true "bratbusters." Full of no-nonsense, practical "Tips and Scripts," You're Not the Boss of Me offers just the help you need to deal with many of the more challenging behaviors typical of four- to twelve-year-olds.

With Betsy Brown Braun's humorous, supportive, and authoritative voice as a guide, navigating some of the most exasperating aspects of these formative years with confidence and laying the groundwork for your child's future just got a whole lot easier!

It's All Here—What to Say and Do to Help Your Child:

Get Over the Gimmes
Tell the Truth
Be Self-Reliant
Develop Empathy
Show Gratitude
Be Respectful
Take Responsibility
Be Independent
Exercise Humor
Not Be Spoiled

Get it on Amazon.

Betsy's Tips for Dealing with Necessary Conflict

• Tolerance for Frustration
Teach your child to stretch his tolerance for frustration. Working with the child so that he can learn to grin and bear it, bit by bit, will stretch his ability to tolerate frustration. “You are working so hard on that puzzle. Keep it up, because you are just about there.” Such encouragement not only plays on the child’s willingness to keep at it but also gives him the message that he can do it independently, without your help. Frustration leads to increased effort, which leads to his success.

• Teach Resourcefulness
Children can be tought to be resourceful in the face of conflict. Instead of being quick to jump in and solve the problem, as most parents do, stay close, do nothing and wait. After a while, you can empathize with your child: “That is just so frustrating. I know exactly how you feel.” And be exasperated right along with him. Be patient and when you see an opening, try saying: “What do you think you might do?” When he does offer an idea, be sure to praise the resourcefulness and not the plan. “You always figure things out.”

More Tips from Betsy on Building Independence

• In the business of everyday life, expect your child to be independent. Justing thinking You Can Do It is contagious, if you believe it.

• Have routines in your child’s daily life. Not only does the child know what is expected of him, but he knows how you expect it to be done.

• Give hints, not answers. Be careful not to give the solution, as you will be the problem solver.

• Be careful with your praise. Praise the act rather than the outcome.

• Children must learn that disappointment happens in all realms of life. Always cushioning the blow won’t help with this lesson.

• Encourage your child to advocate for himself. Whether it’s talking with the teacher about a late assignment or discussing a bad call with the coach, it is the child’s job to speak up for himself. If he doesn’t want to do it, so be it. He will have to live with the consequences.

Read I Can’t Do It Myself: You Do It! chapter of You're Not the Boss of Me. There are more tips on: helping your child to feel safe while encouraging his independence, teaching the child to play independently, and for enouraging tips in the slow-to-warm and the wild child.